Blog Filling the Empty Spaces

By Mark McPeak

Do you hate conflict? Do your insides get all tangled up in knots when you see someone you think is mad at you? Have you been wounded deeply by words spoken in anger? Do you regret the relationship damage you’ve done to other people – those you’re supposed to love and nurture?

I’ve wrestled with my mistakes and my own hurt and anger. I’ve acted in ways that have perpetuated wounds in others and myself. As I’ve thought about this I’ve imagined a set of gears vital to the operation of some mechanism. These gears are corroded and covered with rust, binding the gears and making the operation of the machine cumbersome. Eventually, it seizes up and cannot function at all.

If I’m not careful, my relationships become like these rusty gears. Over time my attitude and interactions become coated with corrosion. We can carry so much hurt from our past we become bitter and establish patterns that make things much worse. We learn to react to each other from our hurt. When we do this, we fill the “empty spaces” between us with suspicion and negative assumptions.

An “empty space” is a gap in interaction or in a relationship. Empty spaces are inevitable – when we’re separated by time or distance, when we’re “out of the loop,” or when we hear what someone else has done or said. Our choice, when contemplating an empty space, is vital to our emotional and spiritual health and to the strength of our relationships.

Empty spaces cannot remain empty; we automatically fill them. We choose to make an assumption. A negative assumption is the most natural (even the default) choice. We think, “I can’t believe he said that mean thing about me.” Or, “She hasn’t called me in weeks; she doesn’t care about me at all.” Or, “They deliberately excluded me and they knew it would hurt me.” The negative choice leads to a sometimes subtle negative characterization of the other person. When we choose this response, the hurt we feel can quickly turn into bitterness and actually provoke more negative responses.

The New Testament begs us over-and-over to make a different kind of assumption. We are urged to honor others above ourselves (Romans 14:13); bear with each other and seek unity (Ephesians 4:1-3); put up with each other and forgive grievances (Colossians 3:13); avoid judging others’ motives (James 4:11). No passage is more instructive than I Corinthians 13: we are told that, acting in love, we must be patient, keep no record of wrongdoing by others, and be trusting.

God helps us choose to fill those empty spaces with good things. This is what grace does in our lives. Just like God’s grace sees us through the righteousness of Christ, His grace working in us chooses to view others positively.

When we don’t know why someone did or said something, we choose to think the best. Instead of jumping to the negative conclusion, we think, “I’m sure there is an explanation,” or “We can work through this because we love each other,” or “He must be hurting, I need to pray for him.” Not only does this give healing for our relationships, it also helps us avoid the bitterness that destroys us from the inside out.

So think with me again about those rusted gears. Picture God’s grace flowing like pure, rich oil. As the gears begin to turn, not only does the movement become more fluid, but the oil reduces the corrosion as well. The empty spaces are now filled with a lubricant that softens the metal-on-metal contact. Our bitter hearts begin to heal and our relationships with others become smooth, sweet, and harmonious as we allow God’s grace to become our grace.

It’s still a struggle with me. Not all of my hurts are healed. Not all of my bitterness has been rooted out. But, I’m learning that I must choose to let God work through me to fill the empty spaces with good things. When I do, things work so much better!